Maybe That's What Everybody Does

This was supposed to be yours for some deep personal profound reason, I think, but fuck it, I come to put these words here and maybe use it too, not just to leave messages for you, but to write for me as I do most everywhere else, as if 100+ other blogs are not enough. I just don't know were else to put this and even if it doesn't belong here, it's here for now. I don't know what they saw in me. There were three. Not the three I wanted, alas, but there were three who loved me. Three who loved me even after I walked away from them. Three who would have done anything for me. Three who would have taken me back. Three devoted. Three in love. I don't know what they saw in me that inspired the feeling. The waiting. The passion. The devotion. There was one I felt that way for. One who got in the way of all three. One who still haunts me on some deep level, even though I don't know if I would want to be with her today. One who was my addiction. When in doubt about my worth in this life, I remember the three. I was worth a lot to them. Sometimes I wonder why. This probably didn't belong here, but it ended up here, maybe because I miss feeling, or maybe because I once thought I could share feelings. I'm not sure about much anymore, just that I wasted a lot of time believing in a lot of people who didn't keep in touch. Maybe that's what everyone is afraid of, being left alone, or not being known, or not knowing yourself. All one and the same, perhaps, or something like that. Above all else, you, as much as anyone, should know... if you think my laughter mocks, you are wrong. The laughter comes in the realization that I choose to create loneliness, doubt, and everything else I think and feel. Even when I choose to forget that I have a choice so the doubt actually feels real. Maybe that's what everybody does. Do I fit in now? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.